A friend suggested I write about men who have done the work and are adept at holding their own in a relationship dialogue with women. This seems fair since men who have achieved a higher level of communication are uniquely different and deserve to be heralded for it. For most this was a hard road to travel down.
What is true is that men who make the effort to grow emotionally with help from other men can hurdle their old stumbling blocks and express themselves in a manner that men and women both appreciate. They can speak from their hearts, not their heads in circumstances that require information about their feelings. Men learn this skill most comfortably with other men. The stigma of being second-best in a feeling dialogue with women is eliminated.
My men’s group has worked on accessing our feelings for years and each man has made progress because each was willing to stretch himself emotionally with help from other men. They were willing because they knew they weren’t going to be judged, but honored for their effort instead. This lack of judgment encouraged them to continue building their skills. When men in my group become embroiled in an argument the resolution only comes when all the participants can talk about how they are feeling about it instead of what they think about it. Men need this skill to make their point with women and to eliminate circular arguments that never get resolved. Thoughts are debatable. Feelings are not.
Women are unanimous in their appreciation for men who can talk about their feelings and not just their thoughts. The leveling of the playing field makes all the difference in the world and it works equally well in dialogue with men. When I speak with my men friends and relate how I am feeling about something that’s going on in my life it is easier for them to understand what I am experiencing because they understand the difference between thoughts and emotions. In my men’s group, “get out of your head” means talk about your feelings, not your thoughts. A man who wants help with his issues will only find it when he is able to move the conversation deeper.
To the men who have decided to shed their stoicism, remove their masks, and join the ranks of other men who have learned how to ask for what they need, congratulations. You deserve to be acknowledged for doing the Herculean work to become better, more evolved men. To those who haven’t yet embarked on this journey my hope is that you will eventually realize that only by learning how to talk openly about your feelings are you going to get what you want in a relationship.
Tags: men and relationships, men's emotions, men's groups, women and relationships, women's expectations
March 19, 2009 at 3:52 am |
Thank you.