Warning: Newly Divorced Men

I have known several women who have had the misfortune of dating newly divorced men. They all say these fellows behave as if they just got out of prison. Leaving their sexual deserts behind they seek comfort. The notion that an actual woman is connected to the body they desire to assuage their parched sexuality is irrelevant. A good quality blow-up doll would probably suffice and it might spare his next victim the chore of dumping them once they realize how emotionally damaged they are.

The cocktail of anger towards women, sexual repression, not doing the emotional work associated with the pain of divorce, realizing they are out of dating shape, and rarely having anyone to talk with about their feelings, serve to put a man’s sad, crumbled interior on display. Only a woman who has been living in a cave for a decade would be remotely interested in dating this fellow who acts first, thinks second, and then, maybe, feels third.

After divorce, women seem to take time to consider what has happened and how they might avoid disaster next time. They feel their way through their misfortune and often don’t date for several months and in some cases, years.

When I was 30 I got into dating a week after separating, and while I had been unhappily married to an alcoholic, I didn’t take any time to consider my role in the failed marriage or the grief I felt about it. I was like a bull in a china shop, knocking women down like bowling pins in my attempt to find my next love. I recall meeting a charming woman at a cafe who when I told her I was recently separated said to me, “Call me in a year or two,” and walked out. I was shocked that she was so conscious of the pitfalls of dating newly divorced men until I realized she had probably learned her lessons the hard way.

The lesson for women is clear. Run, don’t walk away from a man who just left a relationship.

The lesson for men is equally straightforward. Stay home and think about your part in the recently failed relationship. Find another man or men who you can trust and talk with them about how you’re feeling. Ask how they handled themselves emotionally when they got divorced. Ask what they did that prepared them to re-enter the dating world again. Feel the pain you are must be experiencing after a divorce. Or live in denial instead and inflict yourself on the next woman you can convince you are over your divorce already.

A new wardrobe, a new hairstyle, a red convertible, or losing ten pounds aren’t going to work in terms of finding your next relationship. They are a mile wide and an inch deep and you will only look silly and desperate to savvy women.

Instead, take the time to heal by sitting quietly alone and ponder your failed relationship until you can feel the sadness. When the pain surfaces resist stuffing it back down and allow it to filter into your heart, after which it can work its way to your brain in the form of lessons learned.

My men’s group experienced 5 divorces in a scant few years. These are lessons I gleaned from real men’s pain. The men who took the time to heal moved on. Those who then remarried did so successfully. Those who rushed into their next relationship or marriage failed to a man.

Ken Solin

Tags: dating, divorce, men and divorce, men's emotions, women and divorce, women's emotions