Some truths about men in midlife seem absolute. Men don a mask each morning when they wake up. Its purpose is to keep the world at an emotional distance while warding off any discussions about emotional issues. Like looking through a two-way mirror or wearing silver lens sunglasses, no one can see into his soul.
In the process of losing his emotional identity he has constructed an impenetrable wall around his heart just in case the two-way mirror and silver lens sunglasses don’t work.
Remaining on his emotional desert is a choice since he can also choose to leave that desert and embrace those closest to him. At least that is the fantasy many women have regarding emotional intimacy with the men in their relationships.
Any woman over twenty has already learned that they aren’t going to have the feeling dialogue they want to have with men. Their level of frustration simply continues to grow while men persist in not growing emotionally, so by the time a relationship enters its second decade the dialogue has become watered down to boring banalities. While women haven’t lost their edge in the emotional dialogue arena, men can’t seem to develop theirs, preferring instead not to suit up for game that is going to be played on the uneven playing field that represents the man/woman emotional paradigm.
A 50% divorce rate plus more women choosing to remain single than marry looks like women have grown weary waiting for men to “grow up” emotionally.
I know many men who when we meet typically greet me with a lot of noise, backslapping, and bravado, all meant to feign camaraderie. The banter is light and pointless and never really engages either of us. When we say good-bye I immediately forget running into them and consider crossing the street the next time I see them coming. Their masks are always firmly in place and their dialogue is as captivating as the horoscope in the morning newspaper. When I consider the women in their lives I shudder thinking about how boring, impersonal, and irrelevant their conversations must be.
What’s in it for men to lose their masks and open up emotionally to talk with their partners in a manner that promotes relationship growth and intimacy? Most importantly, men finally can get what they want without feeling like they have to jump through hoops or rage angrily out of frustration. Men can have their needs met because women will appreciate that their dialogue is coming from a feeling place and not just their heads. Women respect that and will express their emotions without hesitation in return. This is what healthy relationships look like.
The safest place for men to learn to speak from their hearts is in small, confidential men’s groups where what is said remains in the room. Men can help each other learn this skill and encourage each other to expand their emotional vocabularies. While it might feel threatening to practice this with his partner, other men who suspend their judgment can provide just the safety a man requires to try out his emotional legs. In the 15 years I have been involved in working with men I have yet to meet a man who didn’t learn how to speak from his heart quickly. It’s time for men to level the field that relationships are played on and become authentic partners.
Ken Solin
Tags: authenticity, male anger, men, men becoming men, men carrying their weight in relationships, men growing up emotionally, men's issues, relationships, women's needs
