A relationship shouldn’t be a competitive arena. It should be the one place where a man and a woman can find refuge without fear.
For this to be possible both partners are required to be equally skilled at discussing their relationship in emotional terms, without which the relationship is doomed to fail. It’s generally men who are unable to hold up their end of the relationship because few can engage in a dialogue that features their feelings.
Men aren’t emotionally stupid, merely inexperienced. Men aren’t intentionally vague and evasive when women bring up the emotional aspect of their relationship; they simply never learned the requisite skills.
A discussion about sex might involve a man telling his partner that he doesn’t think they are having sex often enough. The woman replies that she isn’t feeling particularly sexual. Neither person feels heard since each is speaking a different language, his generated from his head and hers from her heart. He expresses what he thinks. She expresses what she feels. Thoughts are open to debate. Feelings are not.
With marriages failing at 50%, and more women now choosing to remain single than marry, something is terribly wrong. I have rarely met a woman who doesn’t feel frustrated and angry because so few men are capable of discussing their feelings in a relationship.
Men have been discouraged from accessing a feeling place since boyhood. A boy who is injured is told to “act like a man,” which is a euphemism for stuffing the pain. Boys become men who simply continue the process instilled in them.
Why should men be interested in learning how to talk about their feelings? They can finally get what they want without defaulting to pointless arguing or threatening. A man who can tell his partner that he is missing the sweet closeness he feels when they make love is going to fare better than the man who says he doesn’t think he is having enough sex. This isn’t a trick to have sex. Actually its application goes much further than that. A man who can express his feelings will be heard by a woman regarding every issue in their relationship because she will appreciate the emotional authenticity of what he says. She knows that his expressed feelings aren’t open for debate. Their dialogue will be vastly expanded and their relationship can grow on an equal footing.
Men can teach one another how to speak from their hearts and they are doing it already, albeit in small numbers. Men who meet in small groups with the expressed purpose of becoming better men learn how to speak from their emotional base. The small, confidential men’s group offers support without judgment. Men can hone their skills and engage women in emotional dialogue from which they had previously been shut out. It doesn’t take very long for a man to find his emotional voice.
It’s time for men to catch up with women. It’s time for men to get what they want without resorting to anger. It’s time for men to act more like men and less like boys.
Ken Solin
Tags: men as boys, men's emotions, Men's feelings, relationship skills, relationships, women's emotions, women's feelings
