Unconditional Love-a Man’s View

Is unconditional love only found in romance novels or does it exist in real life? The fellows in my men’s group have been meeting for 15 years. For most, unconditional love means that a woman will overlook his faults, quirks, and habits and not make her love for him dependent on his changing them. This doesn’t mean that men should be unwilling to make some modifications in their behavior, though, because absolute inflexibility doesn’t serve a relationship either.

The characteristics a man exhibits during courtship are a good indicator of his future behavior, and if these qualities are deal-killers, a woman would be wise to skip this one. If she pursues the relationship in spite of her concerns, she will likely try to get him to change what she doesn’t like about him. A man craves to be loved for who he is and what he does, and if, instead, he’s attacked for those qualities and actions, he’ll feel betrayed and judged. This will prevent achieving true intimacy in the relationship because a man won’t feel he can trust his partner, and as a wise older man once told me, “Where there is no trust, there is no love.”

To expect a man to undergo a major personality or behavioral make-over is unrealistic and self-defeating. It’s called projection, and it never works because it’s based entirely on the fantasy of who someone is, and not the reality. If a man snored when a woman met him, she shouldn’t assume that he will undergo surgery to correct his snoring later on. If he has been playing basketball with the same friends every Saturday morning or riding a motorcycle for a decade, he will probably want to continue those activities, and she should not assume that he will stop just because she’s become involved with him and doesn’t appreciate his passion for these activities. In the very early stages of the relationship, she might indicate that these behaviors or activities are problematic for her and ask if he would consider modifying them. If he adamantly resists, she must either accept who he is or if that is too painful, admit that he’s probably not the man for her. For a man to discover that his partner overlooked his prominently displayed behavior with the hidden agenda of changing it later would be perceived as a betrayal that would be impossible to ignore.

Expecting some degree of change is completely reasonable, though. For instance, my wife sat me down the other day to discuss how she feels when I don’t take into account how my behavior affects her. The issue was my faulty memory regarding her schedule and activities and exhibiting what she felt was a less-than-thoughtful attitude. She didn’t ask me to change my behavior or say she would withhold her love if I didn’t. She merely asked me to be aware of how being treated casually that way instead of being considered affects her. This seemed to me to be more about my being conscious than anything else, and I promised to try to take her feelings into account. As I do, I’m sure my behavior will naturally become more thoughtful and respectful. I didn’t have to change who I am to satisfy her desire for emotional consideration and she didn’t withhold love to teach me a lesson. I merely had to be conscious of how my actions affect her emotionally.

Everything I have said applies equally to women. There’s no double standard where love is concerned. Both sexes need and deserve to be respected and loved for who they really are—not for who their partner wishes they were. Accepting each other’s basic qualities and the possibility for a minor amount of behavioral modification and compromise is the first step on the path to unconditional love. No relationship may ever fully attain it, but if the partners consciously pursue that goal, they’ll be on a solid path. Conversely, a relationship that fails to acknowledge unconditional love as a goal will likely fritter away its precious energy nit-picking and arguing endlessly.

Ken Solin

Tags: dating, emotions, marriage, marriage expectations, men, picking a partner, relationships, unconditional love, women