I feel, are two words that make men very anxious

It doesn’t surprise a woman when she notices that her partner breaks out in cold sweat when she asks him to express his feelings about a problem issue in their relationship. A Woman grasps early on that her relationship isn’t going to include much dialogue that emanates from her partner’s heart, and not his head, and whether she likes it or not, she realizes that their relationship issues will probably be forever stuck in first gear where they will grind away and resolve at a snail’s pace if at all.

A man likely expresses his sense of sexual frustration by stating that he doesn’t think he and his partner are being sexual enough. A woman responds that she just isn’t feeling sexual. This then becomes a circular argument that plays like a loop on U Tube, except it isn’t entertaining. No amount of conversation about a relationship issue can lead to any real resolution as long as men and women speak different languages, and I think versus I feel, are two entirely and distinctly different notions.

So how do men and women get on the same page so that they can engage in real dialogue about their relationship? Since it is primarily men who are lacking the necessary skills required to speak from their hearts, it is men who need to learn a new language. This isn’t a trick for men to get women to have sex, but instead is a behavior men can learn to get whatever it is they want and need, through clear communication.

Absent explaining what he is feeling to a woman a man’s requests are open to challenge and debate. Thoughts can be argued because they are opinions. Feelings cannot be challenged because they are intimately personal and not open to challenge. I don’t think we’re having enough sex can be debated, but I’m not feeling sexual can’t be.

A man who knows how to speak from his heart and who is feeling sexually frustrated can tell his partner that he is missing the warmth, connectedness, and closeness he feels when they make love. A woman wouldn’t likely ignore that heart-felt remark, and while it might no guaranty a sexual romp, at least she would truly understand what her partner is experiencing and feel more amenable to working with him to resolve it.  It puts a man and a woman on an even playing field in their relationship, probably for the first time.

This isn’t a trick however and shouldn’t be construed as one, because it isn’t about how to get women to have sex. It has far wider implications that go beyond just sex. A man who knows how to access his feelings and can enunciate them candidly can explain how he feels about every issue that arises in his relationship. His chances for making his point with a woman are greatly enhanced because she recognizes from where his point emanated.

Where do men go to school to learn this heart-based language? It is most easily and least painfully learned with other men who are struggling with the same problem. The reason men sweat the feeling conversation is that they are uncomfortably unskilled in it. Men can teach one another how to access this place in the confines of a men’s group whose only rule is confidentiality.

After 16 years working with men I know how quickly they can learn this new language. In as little as a few months men begin to feel comfortable talking about their feelings and the more adept they become the closer they move towards holding their own confidently in a relationship dialogue with their partner. It isn’t easy and men should expect the same difficulty they would encounter learning any new language. Becoming fluent in a language takes some time and practice, but the reward becomes obvious. Men have a far better chance to get what they want and need by explaining how they feel about it rather than what they think about it.

Ken Solin’s The Key to the Men’s Room: What Men Talk About When Women Aren’t Around will be available in September. It is an authentic look at men that women haven’t seen before. It is very much a reality show where men speak in their own voices about their issues, particularly relationship issues.

Tags: emotional maturity, feelings, Men's feelings, relationship problems, relationships, the language of feelings, women, women's feelings